Goddamit, America, You’re Scaring Us.
(Original photo: Phelan Ebenehack / Reuters)
Hey, America, cut it out.
When this GOP primary race started out, we all just figured ‘They’ll do their crazy dance, then end up going with the boring guy’ like you did with John McCain a few years ago. We had some laughs, you got a boring moderate white dude - everyone’s happy.
No, this time, you spurned your great white hope and decided to go through every other flavour at Ben & Crazy’s. Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum - seriously? Rick Santorum?
No matter how bad it got over there, I could comfort myself by chanting “At least it’s not Rick Santorum!”
And now, it’s Rick Santorum.
Yes, the Republican party has wiped away the yoke of many inauspicious candidates from its face like so much Santorum, and has paralyzed itself by having destroyed every unsuitable candidate, rejected the boring ones and scared away the viable folks.
What’s worse, with the meteoric rise of many a fruitcake, the less-than-crazy have been forced to contort themselves into a vision of insanity and “family values” (read: no gays.)
Rick. Santorum.
Yes, the little homophobe that could is finally choo-chooing his way up the pack. It’s only unfortunate that his quick rise came so quickly that his opponents didn’t have a chance to destroy him before he picked up a close second in Iowa and is poised to do the same in South Carolina.
The attack material practically writes itself. In fact, it already has - in the form of New Yorker cartoons.
And then there’s the story of when Rick Santorum brought their deceased newborn back home for their other children to meet. If he had been president then, that would have made for a very uncomfortable address to the nation.
But, as we’ve seen already, you have to attack other GOP contenders from the right, not the left or center. Watching how the other candidates manage that will, no doubt, be entertaining.
Schadenfreude
But, maybe the most horrifying (and sadly enjoyable) part of the whole thing is how quickly the candidates will eat their own kind for a slice of that sweet, sweet GOPie. What hasn’t seemed to factor into any of their heads is that once they go after the front-runner, they themselves will be eaten alive when it is their turn to lead the pack. It’s like watching a marathon where all the candidates are tripping each other.
But what’s even more idiotic is that they, and their SuperPACs, have started going after anyone with any measure of support in a way impossible five years ago. The internet and airwaves have been saturated with such insane ads that none of these candidates could ever be considered electable. See: this pro-Ron Paul ad maligning Jon Huntsman, of all people.
(It should be noted that this isn’t Ron Paul’s people, proper. Still, it certainly isn’t completely out of place in the race thus far.)
Yeah.
Exactly.
Mister Libertarian, who wouldn’t even be talking to China if he had his way, goes after Jon Huntsman for being an ambassador. Right.
Tonight - Watch Six Grown Men Kill Each Other.
Which is why tonight’s debate will be so much damn fun.
With the moderate candidates doing better than usual in New Hampshire, expect the loony bin to be out in full force. Jon Huntsman kills babies. Mitt Romney fucks dogs. Jon Huntsman eats eggs rolls. Mitt Romney kisses men.
But also expect Rick Santorum to be taken to task.
For hating gay people?
Lord no, for not being crazy enough or something.
I will take no greater pleasure - and feel no greater sadness - than from watching Newt I-left-my-wife-because-she-had-cancer Gingrich go after Rich man-on-dog Santorum on family values. It’ll be like watching two clowns preform an autopsy on a living person. You know it’s gruesome and you should stop it, but it’s still oddly compelling.
And that autopsy will be preformed tonight, live, on the American people.
Be sure to watch my liveblog of all the gore!
